Paradise Found » Teens and Drinking

Teens and Drinking

July 7, 2008 at 4:28 am · Filed under My Musings, home education

I spent one day this weekend with friends whose kids are in the public school system. Over glasses of wine, the discussion turned to our kids. I listened as these parents expressed their expectations of trouble in the future of their teens, specifically teenage drinking. I was surprised that these parents took for granted that this would be an issue. But then, with peer pressure in the schools, maybe it is? I certainly know what my own high school years looked like in public school.

I wonder if by assuming that teens will start drinking as teens, parents are feeding the possibilities? I don’t expect my kids not to drink. But I also don’t automatically assign the problem to them just because they are teens, as if the only possible answer to the equation is teens = drinking. Each child differs in personality and every choice will be different. For instance, my eldest - a teenager - has expressed an interest in being like his uncle who has never had a drink in his life. I think that’s a pretty unlikely scenario, but I haven’t discouraged him. We are very clear with both of the boys that while drinking alcohol is not taboo, driving after drinking is - regardless of age. They also know what the legal drinking age is (21 in CA).

As parents, we’ll do our best, as most parents do, to be aware of any trouble with the kids and even keep our eyes open for possible consumption of alcohol. But I won’t assume that it will become a problem just because they’ve reached a certain milestone. Is it naive of me to think that teenage drinking is not automatically a given? Thoughts?

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Edited to add this link to Miranda’s post on this topic.

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Tim said,

July 7, 2008 @ 6:28 am

Teenage drinking is not a given. Parents have to keep their eyes open . . . but that’s what it means to be parents, huh?

Your attitude seems totally healthy. It’s unfortunate that the other parents you were talking to don’t share it.

BTW, not that you’re necessarily doing this, but since you mention it in the first sentence of the post: I wouldn’t draw too heavy a connection to the fact that the kids are in the public school system. My wife and I came from similar middle-class backgrounds and attended similar public high schools in Texas. She drank in high school, I didn’t. It has a lot to do with particular families, churches, and other slices of society, and only a little (IMHO) to do with being in public school.

Becky said,

July 7, 2008 @ 6:30 am

I don’t think it’s naive, Kris. I think many parents, especially institutional school parents (I went to private school, so I don’t think this is just a public school idea), have a certain set of expectations for teens, not limited to alcohol (and/or drugs). One of the biggest ones seems to be about the withdrawal of teens from family life in particular and adults in general, which I’ve watched sadly in my own nieces — it seems “natural” to expect them to become surly, snarly, and silent around adults, not to want to spend leisure time with their families. And once a family has this expectation, whether it’s the drinking or the withdrawal, it does seem to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s rather the same thing I get from those parents who, when they hear we are hs’ing, say things like, “Oh, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand to be with my kids all day”, or what you hear now that the kids are out for summer vacation. Oy.

The other thing I’ve found helpful in teaching my kids about drinking is to let them know, as you mention, that drinking alcohol alone is not bad or taboo. I grew up with a more European mentality about drinking — you drink with meals, you savor the drink, you don’t drink to excess, and it can be very pleasurable. So much of what I saw in high school and college was kids almost bursting to drink what had been placed off limits, or had been viewed in excess. I don’t think many North Americans have a drink with dinner. I think it’s more common to polish off several beers at a time as “recreation”, generally in front of the television. Sigh…

And it didn’t help that so often, beginning in about seventh grade, the drinking started at home where the parents were absent. I grew up in a squashed NYC apartment, and when my parents were at work, my grandmother was at home; I was used to having at least one adult around all the time that I felt very uncomfortable at friends’ houses with no adult supervision (a bored maid in a Park Avenue apartment the size of our farm shop didn’t count).

Miranda said,

July 7, 2008 @ 7:32 am

I’m pretty sure my kids will drink as teens. About as sure as I can be, in fact, since my 14yo has already been drinking. I serve her a half-glass of wine on special occasions and she’ll sometimes share a beer with her 11yo brother. Where I live (as in the rest of Canada) it is legal for parents to serve their kids alcohol in their own home. Most people don’t but I do. That’s because my philosophy is that children don’t learn to make good choices by having other people make their choices for them for as long as possible. They learn to make good choices by participating in making choices that affect them. I think that teens become problem drinkers and get into trouble with alcohol because (a) drinking is a potent weapon of rebellion against a culture that gives them little control over their own lives (b) the people they learn to drink alongside are other teens whose drinking is also motivated by recklessness and rebelliousness.

Miranda said,

July 7, 2008 @ 7:36 am

Just found this old blog post of mine about the issue, in case you’re interested.

Meg said,

July 7, 2008 @ 8:17 am

Following up on Miranda’s comment - there was an article that Hubby clipped for me - NYTimes or Wall Street Journal maybe? about this being a growing trend.

Parents feeling that allowing kids moderate access within the family to help them not have such a need to binge when they aren’t.

Make sense to me.

jove said,

July 7, 2008 @ 1:52 pm

I had that moderate access at home when I was a teen and I think it made a big difference. But my brother grew up in the same house and never accepted alcohol at home. I guess when he first tried it he didn’t like it and then it became a family belief that he didn’t like alcohol. But he did drink with his buddies as a teen. They even made their own beer. And the morning after his graduation from high school my mom found him on the front lawn with a blanket over him. I know that in university he was much more of a binge drinker than I was and now drinks much less (mostly wine with dinner or a couple of beers with friends), associating heavy drinking with his “student days”.

I can’t even begin to explain my brother. But I tell this story to say that yes, allowing your children to drink wine with dinner occasionally if you do and teaching them in the home about responsible drinking, by example, is probably a good strategy. But it is not fool proof.

paradisefound said,

July 8, 2008 @ 4:34 am

My parents always told me that they’d rather have me experiment with booze at home, but like Jove’s brother, the idea made me nervous. I don’t want the offer of alcohol to seem quite so contrived, and I struggle with that. I do think that by making it less of a big deal, it’s less exciting later. I haven’t let my kids split a beer as Miranda’s kids have, but they have had sips of wine and most definitely a small glass of champagne for special occasions. Perhaps a French cuisine night is in our future!

Ron said,

July 8, 2008 @ 2:35 pm

Given the percentage of teens that do drink, I think it is reasonable to expect a high probability that any publicly schooled teen will at least try it. And, the social pressure is there to push them to continue.

From my own perspective I think the 2 things we have done for ours is let them group up in a situation where that pressure is significantly reduced and also show them that you can be happy as an adult without alcohol & drugs.

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